I'm officially done.

Really, my entire life has been revolved around trying to please others. Trying to get my voice heard and interpreted in a language we could all communicate in and understand.. no such thing exist or I'll never master how to be a real life girl.

So, I'm just over it.

The sites, the dreams, everything takes time and ambition, I have neither.

DirtyLuv.com is officially dead as soon as I can get my FTP up.

Thanks for listening.

*steps off soap box*

XOXO,
Dirty Valentine

p.s. REPOSTED

p.s.s. This LiveJournal is now pronounced *d*e*a*d* until further notice. Ya, ok. bye.

~ * ~

sghettios tagged me

Eight Random Things:

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

thanks!

p.s. I will fill it all in later, I need to shower..

i <3 420

:)<




good nite!!

x0x0,

V
...

There is this cold thats been going around lately.. hit all of my friends and about a week ago I thought I got it since I was "sick". But the pain I felt in my body beginning last night & turning into the worst pain imaginable. It took me forever to get out of bed.. Steve helped a lot. We kind of broke up, then kind of got back together. So I guess we're ok right now and he took such good care of me this morning. Right now I'm working on getting my PC all the way working. Got a new video card (haven't completely paid for it either) & steves letting me use is mouse & keyboard since my wireless ones dont seem to wanna work. I dont know how I would function on my own, people. Seriously.. the thought worries me.

Played around with a simple layout today then stopped myself. I need to find the members area that I finished & perfected months ago and try to get that up & live. Fucking myspace deleted my profile again.. HATERS! Their are such haters on there. I've gotta create a whole new profile again. When I do, I'll post the name.. or maybe I shouldn't :P

I've gotta get back to working on my computer. Trying to find drivers for the new video card.. I wanna play second life! lol~!

XOXO Vale

is it weird that i'm looking forward to death?

I was feeling a little discouraged after hours of job hunting and not even getting one application (they where all out or weren't even hiring!).. so I went to the video store and bought Carmen Electra's Aerobics Striptease and I'm getting ready to work out right now. I'm only entering this since I spend so much damn time online, hopefully I'll read this a lot and MAKE myself work out a bunch.. Ok bye!

XOXO

I'm off to go submit some more resume's around town.. yay.. but I did want to post with some semi-exciting news! I talked to one of my best friends Emily and she really misses home so I think she's moving back, and steve says she can come stay with us!!

Now the dilemna - it's the middle of the month and too late to tell our "housemates" they have to be out by the first. I dont even know if we could afford it really but I totally want my best friend to live with me.. Hmm.. What the fuck am I gonna do *pouts*

Wish me luck, fuckers

XOXO
Dirty

To educate other about sex in a inventive and sensual way. I want to start my own magazine & run a burlesque resturant.

Had to rush online and rub it in everyone's face that I'm getting ready to go see zombie_poison tonight & do my very best to seduce her. Oh yes, oh hell yes.

That is all. I might share some juicey details when I get back.

Xoxo Vale

I've had this idea of doing a daily blog update utilizing my huge collection of panties, thongs, socks & stockings, so I'm starting a project in all of my groups called P.O.T.D. where I will update regularly (3 to 5x a week) showcasing my sexy undies along with my blog updates. To kick off POTD (Panties Of The Day) with one of the cutest things I own - my red & green picnic dress :) But whats even better is the sexy brown surprise thats waiting underneath the dress...



Since I won't be using my DirtyBlog to do this POTD project, I'm making you all go over to my LJ community to see all the sexy pics!



Go to my group dirtyvalentines to see more pics! Hope you enjoy ;)

Xoxo Vale

p.s. I will be online til about 10:15ish... IM me (((valentinedirty@yahoo.ca))) and ask politely if you'd like to view my cam :)

Is it really Monday already? Hmm.. I must have dreamed the weekend away.



(Thats what happens when you have to work on weekends *sigh*)

However, getting off work at 2PM still gives me time to do pretty much anything but I'm still pooped from all the Halloween partying & just throughly enjoying being at home. I love my house :D

Went over to toadiedogre's for dinner, he's so incredibly good to me :D On Wednesday I'm joining him for an orientation meeting for gastric bypass surgery. He really needs this procedure, I hope by being there it helps him in some way. Oh yes, before I forget: I have the best land lady ever! She took me thrifting and I got all this rad 70s furniture (in great condition) for $150! Man, when I'm a senior thrift shopping is gonna be RAD.

Got to talk to the too-sweet-for-words raaaaawr last night for a good hour. It's the first time I got to hear her precious voice, OMG like it's possible to just fall for someone even MORE! I tried to convince her to come live in my bathtub but really, she would sleep beside me.. lol! Wow, I need a girl friend :(



This isn't something thats every gonna go away.. this ache to run my hair through long soft hair.. feeling sugary soft lips to meet mine. I want a lovely dark haired minx to cuddle up with at night, dress her up & put her in front of my lens and watch her blOOM.

Want one. Want one. Just one. *sigh*

Enough whining. When it's time for the perfect lady to come into my life, I believe she will. I can't force it and I can't make someone fit into that vacant spot. Believe me, that day can't come soon enough!

Like I was telling Corrie, I need to take pictures of my new house. There is a big empty lot across the street, I need to go over there one day, snap a few pics and maybe try to compose my mini 2-story abode with water colors or something. It's that cute. I love all the plants my landlady planted along the fence line, like a natural protective blankie for the house. Ok, I'm done gushing.

You can tell this is my first house, right? lol

Ok, so some news from the OTHER work front (ie: my site) - I'm going to start doing cam shows again this week. Not sure what rates I want to start out with, but old customers & long time online friends will get reduced rates of course :) I need to get back on NiteFlirt and reactivate that account so I can start doing phone sex again. I haven't done it since before I moved to Europe, so it should be fun to get back into & make some good money.



I need to get ready for the dentist. It's taken me months to get around to finally making an appt, I haven't been seen by a dentist since Germany (and thats when they started my root canal then told me it couldn't be finished cuz the troops were home therefor first priority *blah*)

You all be good little boys & girls,
Vale

I've spent the last 30 days trying to strategize my next move when it just dawned on me that I can't try and plan out my life. Everything that has happened has for a reason. I've never been one to believe in fate or putting my destiny in the hands of some intangible belief. But maybe it is time to finally just let all of it go and say "fuck it". Maybe I try to hard, maybe I reach for the truly unreachable. I can't point the finger at everyone else, maybe I'm the cause of my own problems (?) *gasp*

I'm not working yet because I refuse to work at a shitty job that I wont at least feel somewhat excited going to every day. Call me an idealist but I want to enjoy what I do for a living. It's been almost 2 months and still not working. Plenty of interviews but I believe I have not been hired yet because the right job has not come along.

Lately I've been dating someone and he's kinda growing on me. It's nice to just be with someone and not have to worry about trivial relationship drama. He's really chill, spoils me rotten with attention (Which is ALL I want right now). We're making plans to do something fun for Halloween - maybe go to the city. S.F. always has crackin halloween parties.



I know I said I wouldn't do the roommate thing again but I think moving in with someone who I don't have as much emotion history & expectations of them being a good roommate (cause they are supposed to be a good friend?) - maybe all I need to do is live with someone who is more of an acquaintance and will respect my personal space but still be a good living mate. If this is the ideal equation, I might have found myself the perfect roommate to live with in the perfect house. I don't want to say more in fear of jinxing my odds. I really need this fresh start.

Right now I'm laying in bed wearing a wife beater & some short shorts, listening to AFI and wondering if the lady from the temp agency or from Peet's Coffee & Tea or one of the other places I applied at, will call me sometime this week. Also recovering a bit from last night, I only had two drinks but for some reason got really tipsy & really sick. Man that bartender was not fucking around... :D



I think I'm not gonna drink so much anymore and let the carry over into the new year. I'm not that big of a fan of alcohol anyways, totally prefer marijane. Speaking off - I got my first bong! It's so awesome.. I need to name it. It has a huge bowl, I clean the water everyday (I hate the way bong water smells - *eck*) been smokin like a chimney, too. I know, I need to calm down. Especially since I might have walk pnemonia or something. Haha. Who knows.. but I got something on my lungs *tries to breathe then rips another bong hit*

Thats all for now. I will have to update more when I have something exciting to talk about. I can't wait for Halloween to be here.. woooohoooo!

One more pic of the new bong, for the road:

For once... I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I did a little editing & mass junk removal to my life and now I'm living on my own, working a job a I actually like & starting to learn how to love life again.

There is so much more to talk about.. but I have been terribly busy lately. I promise to fill you all in very soon!

Xoxo Vale

It's been a while since I updated, a lots been going on and I have so much to talk about I don't even know where to start. I guess first off, my mom is doing ok. She has the hernia stomach surgery and is recovering well. Hernia's can be caused by having surgery itself - fucked up, ain't it?

I'm still at home freeloading off of mom. It's really hard to do this, I haven't been home since I was 17. I don't really know how to conduct myself in another womans' household. Guess I just got so used to being the lady of the house. I love my mother, but she's still my mom. We're so close in age (15 years) and I posses so many of her character traits just enough so we get along blissfully as mother/daughter friends - but can still get on each others nerves.

The other night momma & I argued about Blake. I told her that I didn't want to go over his head to his superior and tell them that he's not sending me as much money as he should. When we got married, B started getting paid almost double - twice as much - because he now had a spouse to take care of. So this means that almost literally, half of whatever is his is mine (and vice versa) though I never really thought much about it until now, well, I never needed to before. He was never malicious about keeping it and I was never needy or frivelous with spending it.

Well anyways, my mom says since B only sends me $300-500 ever month or, whenever he finds the time, that I need to just file and get collect alimony buy she just doesn't understand. Blake isn't like most guys. Well, not after 2 tours in Iraq, he's not that same Blake. OLD B might understand that I'm just moving back out here, not having a car, place to live or steady job is very hard and trying to make it day to day isn't easy. NEW B, well, lets just say he called me a golddigger in a previous email. Where this animosity comes from is beyond me, but if he wants to play dirty so be it. I'm the Queen of gettin down, dirrrty style ... I would just rather not have to with him. /\

Other than being very broke most of the time, I've been spending a lot of time at home (Mom's), alone, with my sister or sometimes my mom is around. She does her own thing though and Ra, my sis, damn.. shes going to be 18 in 2 weeks and is more fucked up than I am right now. God Bless the C***** women...

I've been out on a couple dates! I don't wanna kiss & tell too much but I've been hanging out with some cool guys but of course, met my share of assholes! (which means ONE, I don't tolerate shit from men - PERIOD!) But for the most part, I'm having an ok experience.

I went down to Fresno last weekend to see my girl Nicole (Pretty Poison) - I love that girl! I have such a huge crush on her and every time I'm around her I fall in love even more. If she isn't careful, she's gonna make me wanna move back to Fresno!!

NICOLE: I WANT A PUPPY!!!

Vancouver is always on my mind. I'm really really craving being there, craving a new start at life. It wont be a whole new me, I know this, just a whole new experience, environment and a world of change in this new stage in my life.

I'm trying to eat better, too. Thinking about becoming vegan or at least veggie again for a lil while. I was just so much more high spirited and healthy then.

Life is... ongoing. OH SHIT I forgot to mention the most horrible thing that has happened as of recent: my laptop charger is broken!! I have to go to the damn Apple store and buy a new one. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate dealing with those elitist pricks. Gah.

So I can't use my laptop at all til I get the charger. It's in the red already and my iPod even needs to be charged. No internet (well I'm using my moms PC but -gah- I cant look at pr0n on here!@!), no music = DEATH.. KILL ME NOW!!!

I have kind of a date today, woo hoo.. and kick in it with my aunt later on which will be great. Mom leaves for my uncles wedding in NYC on Thursday, the wedding is on Saturday. Wish I could gooooo.. but I'm poor. Waa.

...

I miss my Florida boy who is in Arizona right now. My redhead misses me and wants me to come visit. I'm telling you, if I was ready for a relationship..

.. AND he's going to grow out a mohawk for me as soon as he gets leave for school and his out of the mil. I can't wait *geek*

As far as my emotional state.. I've been a little emotional lately but thats nothing new. This is just that hardest time that I've ever had in my life, and it just sucks to know I'm only 22 and this is probably not even a tip off of the iceberg in comparison to what may be in store. Who knows.

That glorious part is I might still be writing about shit. Hell, you might still be there to read, from time to time.

For all of my LiveJournal friends, internet stalkers, ex lovers and new friends.. I might not update for some time after this but I just want you to know that in my absence, I'm trying to better myself. I'm trying to grow to become a decent, full functioning human being. Right now I just feel like I'm in such a deep hole thats its gonna take forever to rise above, though I know all I need is a helping hand. Fuck, I hate asking for help though..

I wish you all the happiness in the world and express my gratitude for your devotion as a reader of my journal. This is just me being me. Dorky confused misunderstood perverted little ol' me. I have no idea what draws you to me but for whatever reason, you're company is always welcome and I hope to see you again soon in livejournal land.

Right now, it's time for me to disappeared from the net a little bit and distanced myself from an online sensual personality to a living, working, real life woman. God damnit, I think I can, I think I can.

XOXO V

p.s.
BEFORE:

2005

AFTER:

2007

My mom was in the hospital Sunday after having an episode at the flea market. Thank god I decided to go with her that day and help her sell. She started feeling feeling striking pains in her stomach and back so we rushed to the emergency room. I tried to drive but she wouldn't let me, I don't have my license. She is a professional driver but jesus christ how many people can drive themselves to the emergency room sobbing in tears? Fuck. Well, she's feeling a lot better. They said it's a stomach hernia, which my mom told her Dr she thought it was months ago and they dont fuckin listen. I had to sit there and watch them pump loads of drugs into my poor mommy. I held onto her new toy long-haired chauawa (sp? I'm a terrible speller!) she was so sad all day. She's so little and so spunky, but not one of those yelping dogs thank GOD!


From the events of Sunday AND that night (I had a horrible horrible failed attempt at a date. It's so lame its not even worth talking about!) and fighting with Blake online last night and now it's continuing in emails onto today - I'm really feeling kinda shitty and want to get fucked up tonight. I might just finish off my bottle of Midori. It's too good. Wish all my girlfriends where over so we could all have a drink together. Poor Tosha, hope you're feeling better *kiss* So I'm gonna go hang out with my friend Adam for a while.. Here is a picture of me, for good measure:



XOXO Valentine

p.s. I posted some fan art in my yahoo group (http://ca.groups.com/group/dirtyfanclub) and also some samples from my photo shoot out in 29 Palms desert on myspace (http://myspace.com/dirty_xxx) just so ya know XD

I've been taking a few days to mellow out and think about life. Sometimes I get so distracted by my friends, the internet, lifes many distractions, and I fail to miss small signs around me that lead to the big picture.


Taking off and going on that roadtrip to Vancouver was the most amazing thing I have ever done. Something deep inside of me kept telling me that I needed to go North. The farther up we went, the more I felt my sorrows, worries of the world, weight of my family & friendships just seems to melt away in a simmering pot of memories. It was time for me to make new memories. All number lead to this.


Ok, I'm a dork and I believe in astrology, numerology and I believe that their are maps in astrological charts that can map out timelines of our race & time, show us how we continue to whirl around the wheel of repetative nightmares and keep repeating the same acts in history. I kept getting numbers thrown my way and instead of ignoring them, I embraced the theories and went with my gut. My energy needed to be unleashed onto new people, unfamiliar territories. It was time to make a drastic change and now, more than ever, I am ready for it.


We made it to Vancouver right on time for the P.R.I.D.E. parade :) I was so fucking excited, I'd never been to a gay festival outside of the US and wow, was this an amazing sight! Everyone was there - straight people, queers, bi's, elderly, families, disabled & members of different churches and organizations around B.C. and believe is or not there was only ONE protester I saw to the possible 50,000 people in the streets lol! How awesome it that? When I saw this church below, that was the moment when I knew I had found home:



While walking the crowds at PRIDE I made eye contact with this beautiful girl with oceanic eyes and buzzed short hair. The moment I looked at her I knew that maybe not in this life but in some other life, time or form - we've known each other. I couldn't stop thinking about her as I stood just around the corner snapping pictures of the parade so finally I made my way over and introduced myself to her & the small group of friends she was with. The connection was instant. I mean, have you ever had anything like that happen before? Made eye contact with someone you already where acquainted with? If not, it would be too confusing to comprehend so I'll quit my babbling.


Her name is Krista. I really want to talk more about her but honestly, I only got to spend two fabulous days with the girl. I will say this - she's as deep at the sea, her spirit runs through me like ghosts. I love this girl. She is my best friend. My sister. My companion and lover. I just wish I could have spent more time with her and been able to feed off of her energy. I can't wait to be back in Vancouver next month - that is - if I can scrounge up the initial finances to move to Canada in 30 days.


Yes, you heard me right. Without not really knowing too many people there, not having a job or anything to fall back on. Krista is moving to Montreal for a year or so to get a project started and wants me to take over her room in the basement of this cute house owned by some old stoner lady (who seems really really nice). It would only be 350 a month. It's perfect, it's outside of the city and has a backyard so I could get a dog if I wanted! Meeting friends will be easy since Krista introduced me to so many people and showed me around all the different artistic districts.


Finding a job should be easy since the market is mid-low right now. Everyone is hiring. Hell, I could get two jobs if I really wanted and start saving up some cash so I can go back to school. I'm gonna do this the smart way, no worries. Krista is helping me get a work VISA so I'll be able to get work out there easy and with already having a place to stay.. all I really need is a few hundred dollars to live off of until my first pay check comes. I would ask Blake for help but, yeah.. You know how much I love asking for shit. Especially money *shivers* I would rather eat my own foot. All I can do right now is work hard, save money and see where I end up a month from now. I will try my best to keep you all posted but as of right now, I'm not online much. Been reading a lot about energy work and also re-reading some of my vintage erotica like The Oyster and Lolita (though most people would consider Vladmir an erotic writer - I find his perverse sensual mind to be disgustingly sexy). So, thats everything thats been up with me lately. How have you been, folks? I leave you with a picture I took at PRIDE for my dear Corrie:


(she's my cupcake - I love you corriepie <3)

Xoxo Valentine

We're getting ready to check out of our hotel here in Anacortes, WA - on our way to catch a ferry that will take us to Friday Harbor, then to Sidney and Victoria, Canada.

I can not wait til I'm in Vancouver. I'm literally shaking all over in excitement! I want to be able to see as much as I can, meet as many locals as possible, figure out if there is a possible job market out there and has global warming made the Winters there a little less ruthless (so sad to say, but hey, it's true)

So here is the lowdown of here we have stopped since leaving Sacramento:
(from what I can remember between being stoned!)




We turned around on 80 to head to San Francisco and head up the coast on 101


...and many places on the side of the highway so I could pee :D



We visited Grandfather Tree again. He's says hello, he's doing well :)


Oh man, it's not what it looks like! He was SO all over me.


:D


I didn't get a very good perspective shot but this tree laying down was over 7 feet tall!




We took some beautiful topless pictures in here. Once I'm back home and have everything in order, I will post a few :)


This was in a town called Oreck (i forget). Who knows how long this marquee has been like that :P


Scenic shot of the island my future summer home will be :D


I <3 Portland. Should have taken more pics there!

Did stop at Powell's and got a couple new books to read along the way. I'm camping out on Friday Harbor and tomorrow will be Day #1 in Canada. Geez, I wish you could see the smile on my face. I'm SO excited *jumps up and down*

Alright lovely pies, we have to check out of the hotel so no more wifi for me :P Thats ok, I need to get back in touch with my inner hippie. I've been to clingy to my PC lately.

I will be in touch very soon. Happy Thursday, have a beautiful rest of the week!

Xoxo Valentine

p.s. Washington apples are good.. but those tangelo oranges from Oregon are the shit *mmmmmmmm yum*